I walk into our Admissions Department at work and I see a co-worker who I have not seen in almost a year. She travels and works in various offices so we do not cross paths much. She looks at me and says, “You gained.” “I gained what?” was my normal response. The overly honest, incredibly ill-mannered co-worker says, “You gained WEIGHT! WHAT happened to you?!” I looked right up at her and simply said, “Life happened.” As I walked back to my office, fighting back tears and smiling through the pain (because you cant cry at work, right?) I thought about ALL of the things I wanted to say to her. In my mind all I kept thinking was HOW DARE HER!
Does she know that just over 1 month ago I was overjoyed that I was pregnant and was happy to gain weight? That in the last year, this body has carried 2 babies and had to go through the trauma of losing both of those babies? That in the past month I have been to the reproductive endocrinologist at least 2 times per week to be poked and tested and tested some more. Does she know that I had to take Clomid which caused my hormones to be unbearable and on top of that, started on progesterone suppositories which have caused my whole body to swell including my ankles which were so swollen they hurt. Does she know that just that morning I got the very exciting news that my much younger cousin and his wonderful wife were expecting a baby. Does she know that I SHOULD BE PREGNANT before them! I am much older anyway. Does she know that just that day I found out that I wasn’t pregnant again even after the many procedures that were completed? Does she know that I spent the entire day holding back tears at the thought of again starting this whole process over again next month with the hope of a better outcome?
No, she doesn’t know any of that. I honestly spent all night crying. It was a mixture of all things listed above that really got to me. Women try to be so strong, but you can only be strong for so long. Sometimes being strong is admitting that you just need to cry. You just need to let it all out so that you can continue on. Sometimes you just need to melt into your love ones arms, not say a word, and just be.
Life happens and sometimes you just need to smile through the tears to get by.
Smile through the tears.
I certainly know these posts aren’t for everyone, but they are an incredible outlet for me to be able to speak my mind or more my heart. I find great relief in putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I know there are SO many women going through similar struggles. In fact, my doctor told me this week that he knew a woman who had 15 miscarriages. The 16th was a success. I can’t even imagine and I know my situation could certainly be worse. I try to stay positive and in most cases, I am successful with that. I know I still look to other women’s stories online, in blogs, on forums to help explain some of the symptoms, feelings, and overall experience. Hearing other women’s stories is always a solace. I hope these stories can be helpful for anyone researching the process of going through fertility testing. I hope I have good news to share soon!