Let’s get personal….so why did I start a blog? There were definitely a few big reasons including the fact that I LOVE to read other blogs, I love to help other people feel inspired and creative, and also because there were things going on in my life (big things) that I felt like I needed to share or really SHOUT. And that by sharing, I would feel a sense of relief, a sense of moving on, and I would join a group of other people who may have had similar experiences and I would feel a sense of community, as well. Now that I actually have a place, my very own little space of the internet, to share these stories and my feelings, I have so many thoughts going through my head and so much I want said. Yet, there are so many things that I don’t want to say because I feel like every day I am moving on and moving forward, and I hate to be one to dwell. I also wanted to start a blog so I had something else to put my energy into that would allow me to “forget” about the struggles we were going through, even if just for a few minutes, and let me talk about things that I loved like delicious recipes and fun DIY Projects.
I want to share my story about trying to conceive and start a family.
I was pregnant – 2 times. I also lost both children to miscarriages.
My husband and I are so in love. We have talked about “we” and “our family” ever since we met. From day 1 of meeting my husband…I knew it would be forever with him. And I knew our forever included a family. Our first pregnancy ended very early. We were trying to start a family at the time but really our idea of trying to start a family just involved doing nothing to avoid a pregnancy. My period is generally very regular and when it didn’t come on time, I just had a hunch. I had been very emotional, snappy, and fatigued. It took us just 3 months to get pregnant and when that test said “Pregnant” we were over the moon! Every night my husband would kiss my belly and talk to our baby. We were so excited to start a family and as anyone newly pregnant can understand, we were already planning out our next 9 months…who doesn’t love a new reason to go Pinterest crazy?! This was really short-lived. I went to my doctor’s’ office to confirm the pregnancy just 2 days later, and in the office they told me the test came back negative. They were completely insensitive in the office and I left crying my eyes out with the idea that I had to tell my husband the terrible news. The wave of emotions are indescribable….what could I have done to better take care of my body? Was I not worthy of a baby? Did God have other plans for me that didn’t include a family? My husband was wonderful and we mourned together. 2 days after that I got another call from my doctor’s office and they told me that I WAS pregnant. The blood tests came back positive! WHAT?! I was so confused. They followed up that good news with a BUT. But your HCG levels are really low and because I was traveling for work when I got the call, they advised me to find a doctor and see them immediately. After running through NYC to find a doctor that would see me immediately, the doctor let me know that I was miscarrying. Over the next 10 days I dealt with the pain, cramps, and pregnancy symptoms that haunt a miscarriage. We tried to handle the sadness between the 2 of us but the weight was too much to bear. We finally shared our story with our closest family and friends because I realized we couldn’t do it alone. We were advised to wait 3 months before trying to conceive again….
We tried again….We started doing everything many people TTC do, obsessively. I started taking my basal body temp every morning and tracking my readings, doing ovulation tests multiple times daily, and researching every cramp, feeling and symptom. It took us 7 months…long months…to get pregnant again. I found out early December. I remember the day clearly because that night my husband and I were planning to decorate our Christmas tree. One of our favorite holiday traditions. I made my husband the cutest ornament before he got home from work that said DAD on it 🙂 During our tree decorating I handed him a box and told him that I found another ornament that we needed to put on the tree! He cried, we hugged and it was again, one of the most amazing feelings in the world! Then the fear set in…I was so scared to experience the pain and loss like I did the first time. I told my husband I was cautiously optimistic….I still hate that I didn’t allow myself the pleasure of being fully excited to be pregnant again, but I just couldn’t get over the fear. I took so many pregnant tests…one every day I think.
We did everything right…we scheduled our doctors appointments, ate well, I took prenatal vitamins and again we started planning out the next 9 months of our lives. You know the ending….we lost that baby at almost 7 weeks. I just remember asking my husband WHY over and over again over many weeks. Why did this happen again? I wanted answers where there were none. I still want answers where there are none. The whole experience has been bizarrely isolating and really hard to process. The physical impact and the pain can be forgotten, but the 2 babies that live in my heart, they will never be forgotten. I am forever changed. And it is definitely a test on the strength of a marriage. Some days are better than others. And OH the hormones and emotions!! Some days I still look at a random pregnant women in the streets and cry but this leads me to where I am today….again optimistic (it took me a while to get here and comes and goes quite often) about the future and excited for what our days ahead hold. We found a great OBGYN that recommended we see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. He was wonderful and told me that he is optimistic for us! Although with that optimism also came the news that there is a 30-40% chance that we have another miscarriage. I am excited to share my journey…as difficult and painful as it is. I am excited to feel like I have an outlet for all the emotions, ups and downs, and just total chaos that this TTC journey has been. I also look forward to sharing more about our experiences as we start on the journey with the fertility doctor.
I want to remove the stigma of silence surrounding miscarriages. They are so common, yet we don’t talk about it. I know it’s hard, but the more we share as women, the better we are able to handle what life throws our way. I also know men struggle. They struggle between having to be the rock, the strong one, and wanting to break down and cry at the loss. If you are facing your own miscarriage struggles, or TTC struggles, share your story. Let’s be there for each other. If you are a man looking for someone to connect with on the same topic, Down home Daddy has posts on how he is handling the struggles of miscarriage.